The End of The Breastfeeding Relationship
Claire is now officially weaned. I considered titling this post ?What I Won?t Be Doing This Summer? since it was basically all I did last summer. Claire?s weaning had very little to do with her desire to wean, or even my desire to wean, and everything to do with day-light savings. I had been nursing almost exclusively on the days I wasn?t working, until my birthday weekend in Calgary. After that weekend we were only nursing first thing in the morning, which I think Claire was very keen on, but once the time changed it just wasn?t possible with our schedule. I suppose I could have made it work, but she?s almost a year old and the fact that we came this far seemed pretty incredible to me. To be honest, I was tired of ?making it work?, I just spent almost a year ?making it work?, which perhaps makes me selfish but I?m ok with that, and did I mention she?s almost a year? That right there is enough reason to be okay with the weaning.
For some time I have considered putting together a post about my thoughts on breastfeeding. Mostly my goal is to put it out in the universe that the entire breastfeeding debate or discussion, whatever you?d like to call it, does a pretty good job of making woman feel either superior or inadequate but does little to provide a supportive and understanding cushion for most new mothers. I think that statement rings true for those of us who have a pretty fantastic support system of woman to draw on, too.
I think every soon-to-be Mom understands abstractly that breastfeeding is going to be all encompassing at first, but I don?t think it is made clear that it is more than all encompassing; it is basically ALL YOU DO, besides sleep if you?re lucky, for 6 weeks. The literature suggests that the average babe will nurse every 3 hours for upwards of 45 minutes, so that means out of every 3 hours, an hour of that time you?re nursing. Honestly, if that were true, I may not be at all bitter about the breastfeeding discussion. That sounds utterly manageable to me as it provides two hours where there isn?t a child attached to your breast.
Let me say this ? if that was true for you, count yourself incredibly blessed. It certainly was not true for me, or for many women I know. I fed about every 1.5 hours, usually for 40 minutes (at which point, I?d end the session as at NO POINT did either of my children spontaneously stop nursing because they were satisfied) and that meant I?d have anywhere from 45 minutes or if I got really lucky, an hour and half to do everything else. And by everything else I mean change diapers, use the washroom or have something to eat. I don?t mean I was desperate for time to scrapbook or knit, I was desperate for time to pee.
(I should mention, though, that I did all those things anyway because I can tolerate children screaming. In fact, I have a video, possibly two, of my children shrieking like they were being tortured. I am a mean, mean Mommy. Also? My kids don?t cry with enough drama to really cause me to haul ass. I?ve heard other kids cry, and whoa, they have it mastered and in those moments I say a little prayer of thanks that I?m not the mother of the child with The Scream That Ends All Screams).
One important point that is often misrepresented in the breastfeeding discussion is that some women do not make a lot of milk; it doesn?t matter if the latch is perfect, the suck is perfect, or Mom and baby are nursing aggressively to encourage the milk to come in. Some women either don?t produce the hormones required to make copious amounts of milk, or they don?t have large enough storage facilities to provide a satisfactory meal, meaning that the baby wants to nurse again, almost immediately.
I suspect I fall into the former category as I am not an especially hormonal person. At any rate, it was clear from the very beginning that my milk supply was lacking. Even though this was of no fault of my own, I still felt like I was failing and beyond my best friends and family, most of the support out there did a pretty good job at pounding in the Failure nail. I drank weird-ass teas, I took herbal medications, and I took over-the-counter medications. I monitored my water intake, didn?t drink coffee, nursed and then immediately pumped, and then would nurse again, over and over. All per the directions of the health nurses at the breastfeeding clinic. With Claire I was even more determined to make breastfeeding a “success” since it was very likely my last shot at being successful.
During all of that I was made to believe that the nursing relationship was extraordinary. That by nursing I would have an extra special bond with my child and to not nurse would mean I was somehow missing out. That I would never experience the bliss that, apparently, only a nursing mother feels.
BULLSHIT.
I can?t tell you how much that annoys me most of all. More than anything else about this discussion. The bliss a mother feels when holding her infant is not exclusive to nursing mothers. It is called LOVE. You feel love whether your child is breastfeeding exclusively, bottle-fed or some combination of the two and that feeling isn?t any less intense if you?re not breastfeeding. It?s awful enough to feel inadequate and incompetent and selfish if you can?t exclusively breastfeed but let?s throw on another layer of guilt and tell women that they?re missing out on motherly bliss, too. Because God forbid women actually SUPPORT each other.
Not long ago I was at a birthday party and a friend was nursing her son (who is several months younger than Claire yet he?s considerably larger). He nursed for about 10 minutes, was completely satisfied, and unlatched himself. To say I was jealous would be an understatement. I was continually punishing myself for something out of my control, and I have to admit that I now wonder why my friends who have since become new mothers do the same thing. Yet I completely understand why they do. The entire discussion inevitably makes it seem like we?re not trying hard enough.
The point of this post is to expand the discussion, and to hopefully let some new Moms out there know that it?s hard and if it isn?t working for you, if it never works for you, it isn?t because you are somehow more selfish than the woman next to you. Chances are, the woman next you is getting a lot more time to herself, time to use the washroom, time to wash her hair, time to sleep. She might not be getting the time she got before she had children, but she is likely getting more time to herself to allow her to cope. Her child is probably not screaming in hunger 75% of the time, because her child probably isn?t hungry. And if it did work for you, as a Mom, don?t assume that you found some magic formula, that you?re doing it better. The casual remarks are the most hurtful. The remarks like ?most woman are capable of making enough milk, usually it?s a problem of latch? or the like, make those of us who are physically not capable of nourishing our children of being somehow stupid, or selfish.
That?s my $1.50 on the subject. Hopefully I?ll return to regularly scheduled blogging soon.
19 Responses to “The End of The Breastfeeding Relationship”
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I loved this post. I agree with you on absolutely ALL levels. You are absolutely wonderful for doing what you have done for your children. I nursed my first for 6 months and hope to do it for longer with my second (due this summer) but it’s too true about feeling like failure when you can’t (for whatever reason). And it kills me when other moms aren’t supportive, we are all here to accomplish the same thing – to raise happy healthy loved children! And, I feel the need to point out that even though I nursed my son for only 6 months, he’s been sick like twice in his life (he’s 2 1/2) and most of my friend’s kids who were nursed for 1 year (and more!) were sick so much and still are. I’m not by any means saying that nursing caused this, but rather just trying to say that all these “studies” taht show breastfed children are sick less? Another bullshit
Keep up the awesome work on raising two adorable children!
-from another mom who can tolerate her kid’s screaming.
I love that all these photos shows you out and about. I have to time my outings with baby boy’s feeding. When it’s about time to nurse again, I usually have to rush home and I often debate about whether or not it’s worth venturing out at all. I stay home a lot. I’ve tried a couple of times at the mall but it was so difficult without my pillows and other stuff.
Thanks Christy! Yeah, I think the health thing has to do more with genetics than anything else – some people have really great immune systems regardless of anything (like me, and I was fully bottle-fed).
Cindy – I ONLY nursed Callum at home, it was different with Claire, but it was never easy for me, always a production. The one where I am walking around? She’s 7 months old, and that was basically one of 3 times I was able to pull that off. I carried my pillow around, and would often plan it around a convenient place to go.
I never nursed in the mall, either, I just felt totally uncomfortable (yet felt comfortable on the beach…). And Calgary is a different place, too… bigger city, more people judging and looking… I can totally relate to wanting to go home to nurse! Plus it’s HARD, so it’s nicer to be at home where you have all your niceties!
Amber, I love this post! I’m going to link to it in my blog. I too have been having some “big thoughts” about breastfeeding and the way society/medical establishment beats us up about it. You are a wonderful mom and I love all your pictures. Thank you for saying what needs to be said!
oh! I meant to ask you before I posted if it was ok that I used a picture of you
!
good post.
Great post Amber… I’ve been reading your blog and lurking for quite some time. I’m a friend of a friend of yours in Winnipeg.
I work with breastfeeding (and bottle feeding) moms, and the longer I do this work, the more I am aware that there is ENOUGH mother-guilt out there already! We don’t need to add to it ourselves (though this is the hardest on us, I’m sure). Mothers do what they feel is right for their children.
Birth and breastfeeding and parenting are extremely complex things… and many emotions, past experiences and outside influences have a LOT to do with how we feel about raising our children, and even how we birth and feed them.
We can have all the ideas in the world of what we WANT to do (whatever we believe is right), but sometimes things don’t go as planned… and that has to be OK.
Ultimately, a mother who feels supported and strong in her decisions, and knows her own positive intent in doing things the way she is doing things (and there is always a positive intent) will be empowered and be a good parent.
I’ve enjoyed following along with you as you raise your children. You are a great mom and you have two lovely, lucky children.
Warmly,
Cindy in MB
PS – I love the collage of pics too!
oh, Cindy who do you know? Michelle?! She’s awesome
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Amber – totally cool that you posted my pic! I’m honoured
Yep, I know Michelle… and you’re right… she IS awesome!
Hey, sweetie, you are a totally awesome Mom and have two fabulous little darlings. As only a Grandma could know! You have a lot of patience and a great attitude. They are both very lucky to have you as their Mom and that would have been true whether they were breast fed or not. You are quite right when you note that every Mom will do her best to love her baby and keep it healthy and happy, no matter what she has to do to accomplish that feat. Congratulations to all you Mommies out there! The pictures gave me a little chuckle, especially as they are just the tip of iceberg!
Love you.
Fabulous post. You have nailed it all. Yep, absolutely. I will have to link from my blog too
Amen Sister
Yes, I agree. We should all be more supportive of each other in how we decide to feed our babies. I breastfed my daughter for 2 years which surprised me as much as anyone else. My mother told me nothing about breastfeeding except that it was “wonderful”. My experience, although lovely, was at times painful and tiring but I persevered. I refused to give up and let my daughter wean naturally because those were the expectations I put on myself let alone anyone else’s. I got criticism from other women in my mother’s group who all chose to bottle feed from 6 months if they hadn’t already. I never questioned their choices or talked about mine because I thought we were there to feel unjudged.I actually started to feel anxious about going and getting asked, “Are you STILL breastfeeding?” so I stopped. I am now breastfeeding my 4 month old son and it is a totally different experience, he likes to feed quickly and then straight off. My daughter liked to feed then sleep on my breast for 1 hour then feed again and so on and so on for the first 6 months. I even used to go to the toilet holding her with one arm! A friend of mine is trying to concieve and wanted advice on breastfeeding. I told her that if she chooses to breastfeed just to remember it’s not easy, it doesn’t always come “naturally”, it can take awhile to feel comfortable and that you just need to do what feels right for both yourself and your baby. I am immensely proud with myself for doing what felt right for me and my baby even though others regarded me as strange. My wish is that all mums feel proud of themselves. You are a wonderful mum Amber!
oh, I had meant to say that, too, Kylie. Basically I think people need to be less judgy all round!
Amen! Thank you for this post!
I’m at the six month mark breastfeeding my second. It has not been easy. For the first six weeks or so it was painful (I’ll spare you the gory details). Since then, it’s just been a pain. Our outings, few and far between, must be carefully co-ordinated so I can be at home or the one mall that has a “family room” because I’m not graceful in the mount/dismount. If the breastfeeding experience didn’t already make me miserable, add in some PPD and voila! Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. But I’ll be honest, it’s primarily finances that keep me breastfeeding.
I’ll also add the point that DH doesn’t feel as bonded to this baby as he did the first because the first was bottle-fed so he got to feed/burp/comfort him, but the second baby rarely gets a bottle and rarely allows DH to comfort her.
BFing is not euphoria. Whoever said that lied.
Great post! You lasted for an entire year with Claire and that’s fantastic. I had to laugh at your photo collage–you really weren’t kidding about not doing anything but breastfeeding!
I’m so glad you posted your thoughts on this. Your coolness about all things motherhood-related is one of the reasons why I adore you. And frankly, I’m impressed by anyone who can breastfeed at all for any length of time (I was not able to because Jack was in the NICU for the first 6/7 weeks of his life, and by the time he got out, he had no interest (and my milk never did come in fully.) But I still used a breastpump every day for six very, very, very long months, and mixed it with formula. Especially in the beginning, it felt like the one thing I could do to help him.
People REALLY need to step back and realize that everyone has a different circumstance. And you’re completely right– just because you did it this way and it worked for you doesn’t mean that you’re good at it, or an expert on it, or that it’s going to work for everyone else.
That’s such a narrow-minded way to live. That mentality is exactly why I’m not speaking to my MIL right now. Before Jack was born, she asked if I was going to breastfeed, and I said I was going to do what WORKED, whatever that might be. She made some remark, and I said breastfeeding wasn’t easy for everyone, and my sister had a lot of problems, so I was going to keep an open mind. She was all “I never had any issues with it, it was easy.” That pretty much sums up the depth of her compassion/understanding/empathy. Some people just can’t see beyond their own experience, and that is soooo sad.
Anyway, great post. Love all the photos of you! That’s so great!