Good Mother – Bad Mother

I just finished reading Ayelet Waldman?s Bad Mother*, a novel/essay about motherhood, specifically how we as women are constantly judging one another, and ourselves, and can never really measure up to the demands of what a good mother is in our society. The book talks specifically about Ayelet’s experience as a mother of four, and while I found her honest and funny, I?m not sure this is the book for everyone.
During the entire read I was surprised to realize that for all my joking around, for every mention here that I won?t be winning that Mother of the Year trophy, I actually consider myself to be a good mother. In fact, I think all the women I know are good mothers.
Now don?t get me wrong, I don?t think I?m the perfect mother, I don?t think that I won?t, at least in some small way, do some sort of damage to my kids that they will have to overcome as an adult. Personally I don?t really see that as a crime. Welcome to life, kids. Besides, the perfect mother?s children would never be found in the middle of their street, a good 5 minute toddler walk up the driveway, screaming with glee before their mother noticed them gone. Not that that has ever happened to me.
I often get comments, mostly in response to my crafts, to the tune of ?you?re such a good Mom? which I love, because damn, who doesn?t like a compliment, but I don?t think the fact that I make silly little things for my kids is a criteria for being a good mother. I don?t think baking my own bread makes me a good mother, either. That just makes me someone blessed with the chance to stay at home with her kids and is looking for things to do with her time. Plus, I like crafting. It?s my hobby and whether or not I had children, I?d still be knitting and making stupid little things for my god-daughter who graciously pretends to love it all.
No, what makes a mother good is simple: she?s a good person.
So even though my kid is poking my best friend?s kid in the face with a fork, and then laughing hysterically, and my best friend?s kid is very politely saying ?please don?t poke me in the face with a fork? I still believe I?m a good mother. Because when my 1 year old is 4, I believe that she too will say ?please don?t poke me in the face with a fork? rather than say, pin the annoying toddler to the ground and punch them in the face. Maybe I?m naïve to think this but the way I see it ? that lovely, polite kid? That?s my best friend?s kid, and the women I go to first for advice, to support me, to be my children?s village, well they all have pretty terrific kids. So chances are I too will have pretty terrific kids someday soon, too.
Those women are good mothers, and not one of them has the same parenting style as the other. What they all have in common is the fact that they are good people.