Good Mother – Bad Mother
I just finished reading Ayelet Waldman?s Bad Mother*, a novel/essay about motherhood, specifically how we as women are constantly judging one another, and ourselves, and can never really measure up to the demands of what a good mother is in our society. The book talks specifically about Ayelet’s experience as a mother of four, and while I found her honest and funny, I?m not sure this is the book for everyone.
During the entire read I was surprised to realize that for all my joking around, for every mention here that I won?t be winning that Mother of the Year trophy, I actually consider myself to be a good mother. In fact, I think all the women I know are good mothers.
Now don?t get me wrong, I don?t think I?m the perfect mother, I don?t think that I won?t, at least in some small way, do some sort of damage to my kids that they will have to overcome as an adult. Personally I don?t really see that as a crime. Welcome to life, kids. Besides, the perfect mother?s children would never be found in the middle of their street, a good 5 minute toddler walk up the driveway, screaming with glee before their mother noticed them gone. Not that that has ever happened to me.
I often get comments, mostly in response to my crafts, to the tune of ?you?re such a good Mom? which I love, because damn, who doesn?t like a compliment, but I don?t think the fact that I make silly little things for my kids is a criteria for being a good mother. I don?t think baking my own bread makes me a good mother, either. That just makes me someone blessed with the chance to stay at home with her kids and is looking for things to do with her time. Plus, I like crafting. It?s my hobby and whether or not I had children, I?d still be knitting and making stupid little things for my god-daughter who graciously pretends to love it all.
No, what makes a mother good is simple: she?s a good person.
So even though my kid is poking my best friend?s kid in the face with a fork, and then laughing hysterically, and my best friend?s kid is very politely saying ?please don?t poke me in the face with a fork? I still believe I?m a good mother. Because when my 1 year old is 4, I believe that she too will say ?please don?t poke me in the face with a fork? rather than say, pin the annoying toddler to the ground and punch them in the face. Maybe I?m naïve to think this but the way I see it ? that lovely, polite kid? That?s my best friend?s kid, and the women I go to first for advice, to support me, to be my children?s village, well they all have pretty terrific kids. So chances are I too will have pretty terrific kids someday soon, too.
Those women are good mothers, and not one of them has the same parenting style as the other. What they all have in common is the fact that they are good people.
*Ayelet Waldman is new to me, but damn, her essays are fantastic blog fodder. You?ll probably hear more about her from me when referring to parenting topics.
8 Responses to “Good Mother – Bad Mother”
a little hut
a little sauciness
angry chicken
beauty that moves
blogging for two
burrito west
craftster
creative thursday
disdressed
disney princess recovery
dooce
elephants with wings
eskiegirl
how about orange
imagine childhood
knitty
meadowsweet cottage
mini mak makings
moon stitches
my plum pudding
orange you lucky
paper forest
plants and hogs
potential energy
rosy little things
sew mama sew
smartass
soule mama
suzy says
the mayfly
the stars
The Wilting Quilter
tree hugger
two straight lines
I heart you!
*sniff sniff* I will tell you that you are a good mother whenever you need to hear it because we all need to be reminded sometimes.
I don’t think anyone who has ever met you could doubt that you are a good mother, because you are the best person I know. ♥
I think you are a great mother, Amber, but this post has forced me to examine my reasons why. Here’s one: I think you are a great mother because you care more about what’s right for your family and what kind of people you want your children to become, than about whatever trend is defining “good” versus “bad” parenting.
What does it really mean to be the perfect mother anyway? The perfect mother is always right, always knows what to say, always looks good, is always there for her husband, always puts other’s needs ahead of hers, always has supper ready to go at 5:30…. That person isn’t even human – they are Robot. I Mother Robot.
When you teach through living and showing that everyone has flaws, you teach patience, resilience and problem solving. I, for one, would like to fire the SUPER MOM, and pull out the flawed one any day. Even though I am totally screwed up by our freakin parent’s generation of parenting. HAHA Rant, done. You are amazing Amber, don’t forget it.
I am personally amazed that I have two amazing daughers that have grown into terrific and caring women. Especially considering the “mothering” they got!!
I am actually not really sure that you got any. I am blessed to be able to become an “Good Grandma” though!
Time to delete the spam…
I have to say, northern California is full of Judgey McJudgerson mothers. The ones who force their kids through the largely discredited Baby Einstein BS, the ones who compete to get into the best preschools in utero, the ones who let the help raise their kids.
For what it’s worth, as a non-mother, and one who’s seen plenty of the above, and one who had a mother who shouldn’t have been: you’re doing great. Your kids are loved, feel joy, have shared experiences with you & Steve that are deep within them. Don’t worry about anything except overdoing the awesomeness.
The book sounds interesting, I may have to pick it up. I’m currently reading one called “When you and your mother can’t be friends”, because I’m trying to resolve the shock, hurt, and well–rage– I feel towards her for abandoning me. And for forcing me into trying to resolve this THIS way instead of having a conversation. You wanna talk about bad mothers…. :: sigh :: I will eventually spin it so I can be thankful to her for teaching me what NOT to be as a mother, just as I am somewhat thankful to my psycho ex for showing me what I DIDN’T want in a relationship. I’m not there yet, though.
Anyway, I think I’m one of the peeps who told you you’re an awesome mother for making this or that craft, so it’s important to note the reasoning behind it. I don’t think you’re a good mom because you DO those things; I think you’re a good mom because you care about your kids enough to find ways to keep them entertained, let them learn and help in a hands on way, let them explore and create and imagine, and provide for your family all while helping the environment.
It’s the thought behind it that matters. That’s what I admire. Just so you know.