Why purposely trying to annoy your friends never pans out
I had this idea for a blog post where the main purpose was to annoy the hell out of my friend Sole. Yes, this is the kind of friend I am. I intentionally do things in life to annoy my friends. I wrote it all up the night before the earthquake in Haiti and then didn’t post it the next day because, well, talk about a petty first world issue.
Although the bottom line is my blog isn’t heavy. I’m a mommy blogger. I blog about my kids, and the very, very, very small annoyances in my life, which are the things that you all must be ok with reading otherwise you wouldn’t be here so onward with the trivial. Or in this case, annoying the hell out of my friend Sole. Hi! Sole!
So, Sole was getting irritated with the hand-made gifts and getting up early to make cinnamon buns crap. Not that she doesn’t love me (right Sole?) but you know how all that sunshine and lollipop business can get to you. Sometimes you want to hear about the bad stuff, it makes you feel normal (and a little happier on the inside, I can admit that).
I thought to myself – self, let’s annoy Sole further - I know! We’ll make home-made pasta with our new pasta machine! And home-made Alfredo sauce! With local salmon! And we’ll document it all on film with beautiful pictures! And the kids will help! And they will get all covered in flour and be adorable! And I’ll post those pictures too! And through the whole post I’ll add little annoying comments like Hi!Sole! or I Love You Sole! And she’ll want to jump through her computer and strangle me and it’ll be awesome. And we’ll laugh and laugh.
ok, so that is only awesome for me but you’ll note the title of this blog is Amberism because I’m original like that and hello? ALL ABOUT ME.
I made me some pasta.
pasta!
Except, well, that’s about where that little game of Annoy Your Friends ended because the only idyllic and fun part of the whole process was cracking 4 eggs into a pile of flour (which, in case you didn’t know, is all pasta is). From that point on, there are no more pictures. There are no more pictures because at that point my children roamed into the kitchen and while they were keen to help judging by the incessant whining and chair moving and general sibling strife about where they thought their chair should be placed, they were not – hmmm, how do you say this with love? – photogenic. Or cute. In fact, they were bloody annoying and whiny, and breaking out into full fledge tantrums because the apple they just threw on the floor was now bruised and gross and how dare their sibling be in a 10 foot radius of them. Or whatever, they’re toddlers, they don’t make sense.
I fasten my new pasta machine to the counter, as per the instructions, and am attempting to run pasta through it while Claire claws at my leg and screams about her chair placement and Callum is standing there, batting my hand away while he attempts to run pasta backwards through the machine.
Totally idyllic.
More chaos and then the handle of the pasta machine falls on the floor, and oh, you know it breaks. Of course it fucking breaks, but we plod on and keep trying to make our linguini noodles between cutting apples that aren’t fit for eating and fighting over bananas and I forget what else. Then all of a sudden the thing just jams, and Claire wants milk but not in THAT sippy cup, the other sippy cup which isn’t THAT sippy cup either and in fact what she really wants is water in a yellow (green) cup and of course Callum would have nothing but water in that cup too.
So I move the stupid pasta machine to the island where there are no children fighting over sippy cups, and attempt to de-jam. I’m losing my cool. At this point I have almost finished cutting all the dough and I can’t let it go. I mean, I’m almost done and the thing is brand new and the handle is already broke and IT WILL UNJAM BECAUSE I SAID SO. Then, while I really start to get pissy with the thing, one of the bottom rubber mats falls off and the whole thing will no longer stay on the counter.
At this point I look up and see Callum cutting an apple with the wrong side of a knife on a chair he is now sharing with Claire, who is attempting to climb onto the counter. The scene isn’t a good one. When I take away the very sharp and rather large knife, he begins throwing apple pieces around the kitchen BECAUSE THEY ARE GROSS (although more likely because I took away the knife, but like I say, he’s a toddler and doesn’t make sense)
I turn to Callum, and I’m not proud of this, but I turn and I say “Callum, I’m seriously pissed off right now. I need you to leave the kitchen. NOW.”
There must have been something in my mannerism, or the fact that my eyes were bulging out of my head, but the kid, bless him, takes one look at me and says to Claire “Let’s go play on the toilet paper!” That probably needs an explanation. Whatever, just go with it.
At this point I admit defeat, toss said pasta machine aside and begin to prepare my sauce. In no time children reappear with new complaints, and I’m wildly scrambling to get everything done before Steve gets home. I fail miserably and he walks in to 36 rolls of toilet paper strewn all across the main floor, one has been unrolled because it was a “path”, an entire sippy cup of milk dumped out (remember the toilet paper? You know what happens to toilet paper when it gets wet? Yeah), flour over every surface of the kitchen and I haven’t even set the table yet. Nevermind finished cooking dinner.
Being a better parent than I, he begins a game of putting away the toilet paper while I try to get a handle on my kitchen situation. When I think I’m finally organized to cook my totally awesome home-made pasta I take off the towel that was covering it and it is at this point that I realize one shouldn’t pile home-made pasta on top of itself. Turns out it is pretty sticky and will just stick together in one giant blob. A blob that doesn’t de-blob in boiling water (because, yes, I tried). Defeated, I throw out the pasta and boiled up a box of Catelli. Then we sat down to a lovely dinner featuring Callum refusing to eat and Claire trying to crawl on the table and continuously spilling her drink. And through all this I’m thinking about the last time I tried this, tried to one up a friend and instead I woke up the next morning with the worse hang-over ever and puked outside a video store while Michelle WAS FINE (it’s a long story). You never win when you attempt to screw with the universe, people. Never.
The sauce was totally awesome. So there Sole. SO THERE.
15 Responses to “Why purposely trying to annoy your friends never pans out”
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I love you! This blog made me laugh out loud. I can picture the chaos…sounds like my house
hahahahhahahahhahahaa that is the funniest post ever!!!!!! As much as I love your hand made posts, they do get a little annoying sometimes. Well because we can’t all be as good as you. Revel in the fact that we are all a little jealous of you but thanks for reminding us that your not perfect:)
This post is hilarious. I laughed my ass off the whole way through. Totally sounds like one of my days. Which is why I can never do any of the crafty stuff you’re doing!
Well…well…is miss crafty pants having a bad day? HAHA! Just kidding. I admire your craftiness, your story telling and even your annoying days.
OMG….should never read these at work…tears are running down my face and ruining my makeup. Too funny!
This is the awesomest post. I am so happy to hear that sometimes things are not all rainbows and lollipops and perfectly re-crafted items at your house! Bring on the chaos!
.-= wordygirl´s last blog ..The Doctor, Again =-.
I AM perfect, it just so happens my children aren’t and there in lies the problem
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I love it!!!! I am laughing so much….your blog is so great, I’m loving the fact that households on the other side of the world are just like mine!
You are the absolute best person EVER. And the best writer. I think you should publish and sell these stories for money.
Ben just punched me hard in the nuts, it hurts to pee since the CFL playoffs, I have very sore back and a cold.
Ahh, I like blogging.
Told you –you should publish a book !!!!!My gift works perfectly and now all my food is fresh!I just love it .
I third the motion! I too, have always thought you should write a book! Come on…writing is technically considered a “craft” isn’t it?
If Theo Fleury can write a book….YOU can write a book. Trust me.
I whole heartedly agree with Christine! BTW is it February yet? Looking forward to the daily posts!
You guys are sweet.
I don’t write well enough to write a book, but I enjoy the love. oh, how I enjoy the love
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Sole, my god you have a good memory! I guess there isn’t any skipping it, eh?!
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Why purposely trying to annoy your friends never pans out =-.